March 19, 2020

24 days later and I still haven’t adjusted to not everyone knowing what I am doing at all times.

I miss my Facebook fam. I miss my page and my people.

To be clear, I don’t miss Facebook itself. It is panic city misinformationland over there. Who knew Twitter was the rational older brother of social media…

I talk to a couple people on Instagram, met a few new tribesmen on Twitter. But it isn’t the same.

Funny enough, my Facebook memories were stocked with good omens and sage advice from past me.
I stayed off social media, mostly, til noon. I had an alarm for that.

I am on day one of self-improvement Sarah instead of just wallowing.

80% achievement unlocked. Not bad for one day.

Got up 90 minutes after my alarm, but 8:45 is better than noon, and I was having a really good dream.
Took my vitamins. 2L of water ingested so far. Bed made, laundry in the dryer. One article down and this one in progress. Checked on the Hulk, Halo and Sara. Did storytime and NSFW emails to Wolf.

I had a mid-day Pornhub hiatus to reward myself. Now I need a shower and to tackle one project. There’s a list.

So, Wolf and my 500+ Twitter followers know I did something really stupid Tuesday.

Back up a sec…I had a dancing contract at a small town strip club for a week, set up months ago. Was kinda dreading it after the last bar I worked at. My dread was unfounded, I kinda loved it. Made more the first night than I did in 3 weeks at the other place I had been forcing myself to go to.

That was Monday night, I almost didn’t go because, well pandemic. And because every fiber of my being is over dancing really. I belong to my Wolf Dom and other people looking at me sexually is abhorrent. But money and surviving are a need. I went.

I didn’t hate it. It was super chill, squeaky clean and easy.

We sat in limbo Monday night waiting for announcements from our provincial government about non-essential service shutdowns. It wasn’t IF the bar was going to close, it was when.

‘When’ happened to be Tuesday morning.

I messaged the girl I was traveling with around 11am, sent her the article I had read. She forwarded it to the boss and the dominos cascaded.

Our ride was 2+ hours away. I did a coffee run, threw on Brooklyn 99 and packed slowly.

Here is the dumb part.

I had barely unpacked. We knew we weren’t staying before we even got there. All my clothes save what I had worn, were in my suitcase. All my make up and toiletries were still in their respective bags.

What I did do…was put my sex toys in the nightstand drawer. Like a fool.
Am I fucking new?
I KNOW myself, I get distracted too easily when stressed. I always double check. But this time I didn’t.
I even remember thinking it was a bad idea while I was doing it and I remember thinking that morning “don’t forget those” but then my phone dinged, and I got distracted.

Cut to 6 hours later, finally home. Very forlorn, avoiding unpacking like the plague because of the plague, sitting on my unmade bed in my sweaty sweats scrolling through porn gifs on Twitter thinking to myself ‘Self, a serotonin boost would be a really good idea right about now wouldn’t it?’

And then it hit me…

My sex toys were 2.5 hours away in a cathouse, in a locked room above a locked bar.

I’ve never moved so fast in my life. I was downstairs begging for the jeep keys while still on the phone with the sex shop a few blocks away.

I panic bought the whole store.

Mild exaggeration, but I did spend a bit more in under 10 minutes at the Love Shop than I made the night before.

Worth it.

I can give up a lot of things. Masturbating is not one of them.

When I stocked up on vape stuff, I got the lower level of nicotine thinking this would be a good time to quit or at least wean myself off.

I imbibed 2 ounces of meat and 2 ounces of alcohol from November 21^st til December 26^th 2019.

I’ve been drunk 5 times in 5 months as opposed to 5 times a week.

But this?

No, I cannot, I will not.

The interaction at the store was hilarious. Both of us reassuring the other about washed hands and bleached countertops while keeping physical distance. She said she’d done the same thing a few years back, left her toys behind in a nightstand in a hotel out west. I felt slightly better, and new toys had been on my wish list for a while. I cringed replacing my Tracy’s Dog, but at this point it factors in on the same list as sleep, food, water and shelter.

I got home with my bag of precious and promptly sent Wolf the first remotely happy series of videos since I left for the airport. Showing him all of the treasures I had amassed.

There was a turning point there.

We went back to being our dirty, flirty selves and I didn’t realize how badly I needed our normal and how much I missed my Tango wand.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but get in the fucking shower, get out of the clothes you have been in for days, eat a vegetable, clean your closet. Please.

Make your bed, change your pants, wipe that shit off the counter.

It’s me, I needed to hear this. I need to do this.

My way of life has now become a government recommendation and I am sliding into the pit of stench and sloth. Because I am now allowed. Not exactly why, but still. I found myself on a scary precipice.

I pulled myself out thankfully. That was not okay.

Day one of correcting my sleep cycle.

I was thinking about the Hulk yesterday.

The man and the ride.

The man…well, he goes dark like I do. He messaged me asking where I was, if I was safe and how the social distancing is going. The last part was a bit of a joke. Quarantine is the word for how we live. Only go out of necessary, avoid large crowds etc. We are checking on our introvert friends too. It’s too easy to depression sleep for the foreseeable future.

We made a pact to check in. I used to remind him to take his vitamins, it’s time again.

We split 5 years ago yesterday and I still checked on him. Less and less over the years. But still. Love doesn’t stop, it just changes, or it was never love.

Hulk the ride? Hulk is bae. Fuck I wish I would have ridden it when I was down last time. I was just so tired from 2 days at Disney and I needed to go back to the condo and recharge. My spoons were gone, and I couldn’t people anymore.

Now I am scared I won’t get another chance.

I have panic issues. They were at their peak when I was married. The sky was always falling, and I was living in a state of walking on eggshells for years. I have learned to deal and create rational thought processes, also to say things out loud if they feel…weird and unpleasant. It helps.

But with so many thoughts, feelings, facts, false information flying around, everything seems within the realms of possibility doesn’t it?

I know I will go to Disney again. It’s just weird that its closed for the first time since 9/11.

They closed the US Canada border yesterday too, the world is pretty much shut for now.

The scary issue is, we don’t know until when.

When will the other shoe drop?

We keep waiting for the spike, the climax, but when I did my last grocery run today, everything seemed quiet but semi-normal. The bigger retail chains were closed, but there were people just wandering around, lottery kiosk open, As Seen on TV store, open. Didn’t make sense to me.

But nothing really does.

I have a horrible confession to make.

I flew home Friday night. I stayed in the same clothes I flew in, no shower, until Monday morning.

I was pretty fucking ripe. Totally grossed myself out. But I couldn’t move.

I had a long term, low grade panic episode with a massive black cloud of depression on top.

I was paralyzed.

I sat on my bed and stared at…

The wall

My phone

Pornhub

Netflix

And that’s it.

I knew I had to clean unpack and repack, but I didn’t. I took in exactly as many calories as I needed to continue existing, but that was all.

I started today the same way, filthy. But with a twist, cleaning lady came to fix downstairs and I decided to finally clean my room and get my shit together.

I hadn’t unpacked since my last Wolf trip. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. A 15-minute task took 4 hours because I kept checking my phone for an hour every 5 minutes. There was a finality to it that I wasn’t ready to process. I am the girl who has only been in one place for more than 11 days at a time since November 21^st 2019, same day as the first reported case of COVID-19 oddly enough.

It was hard to unpack with no idea when I am going to repack. It hurt me and scared me.

Things are going to be painful and hard and scary and we have to do them anyways.

To all the people raging against staying home. Stop. At some point you are going to have to face what alone feels like and it is not as bad as you think it is.

It’s now 9:34am the next day. Downstairs is decontaminated. The last of the groceries bought, responsibly, I will actually go through 7 tubs of yogurt in 14 days. Bags unpacked. Laundry in the washer. I still haven’t showered since Monday (still, post first, shower second, I fucked up starting the washing machine). My brain is less dark, but now what?

One of the most heartbreaking movie scenes in my internal filing cabinet is in American Beauty.

Ricky Fitz’s dad hits him, and says he needs structure and discipline. Its not that part, its Ricky’s response. “Thank you for trying to teach me, don’t give up on me dad.”

I too need structure and discipline, or I will watch the same 3 shows, sleep, be dirty in the same clothes, jerk off and not eat for days on end.

It is not a part of my personality that I am proud of, but it’s part of me that needs to be negotiated with.

What better time than a government enforced quarantine? Takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit.

I am safe in my attic space. Yes, sadness is bound to creep in…but what about all those things I have been putting off doing, reading, writing, learning? Why not now? Theoretically, I can’t be sad if I am busy.

Wolf and I are separated, but why not do what our grandparents did and write to each other?

I asked him today if we could tell each other one story every day, something old, something new, a memory together, anything really. He said yes.

I’ve had a timer to drink water every hour for a month now. Why not limit my social media too? Set alarms to write, to shower, to eat.

Maybe finally learn how to apply eyeshadow, do Tai Chi, do my squats and eat my vegetables. Fix the bag of clothes that need mending, read some books, write some too.

This is not how any of us wanted things to be. But it is the way they are.

Check on your friends, introverts or extroverts, be smart, be safe and for fuck sakes have a shower.