December 2019

Sometimes I think I am a broken record.

Like I have said all of this already, whatever this may be.

I know there are overlaps and echoes on here.

There are only so many words in my mother tongue and they render me redundant on occasion.

Everything has changed.

Rapidly again.

Don’t speak too soon for the wheels still in spin.

Some of it, I won’t speak of at all.

I left for Florida a calendar month ago today, with one set of beliefs about my future. One set itinerary with a bit of an unknown.

I can’t shake the feeling that it was my last trip there.

And now I find myself perched at Mandy’s kitchen island, flight that should have been 3 days ago is still 3 days away, her cat sleeping on my half-emptied suitcase. I took a bunch of my stuff out to leave here and Lisa the cat thinks my clothes are comfortable as fuck, because they are. I have a new key for this place and one other. House sitting gig set up for the bulk of February, so that is taken care of.

I don’t have to fly out of YYT, I am getting a ride back in the new year, with my great grandfather’s desk and a few boxes of my most precious things, crossing the Atlantic in the dead of night one more time. I can still remember the ice screaming my first time out there. Didn’t realize it was a warning.

Gypsy mode (re)activated.

I am going full rogue.

Airbnb for the next leg of my journey confirmed 10 minutes ago. My laptop battery, phone battery and vape all vying for a turn in the one viable, accessible outlet.

12 days ago I was walking around the Magic Kingdom after being pleasantly surprised by my traveling companion with a members only late night park trip. It was a really good night.
2 nights ago I was stripping. I cannot explain how much I hated it.

Neither of those things were planned.

Juxtapositions.

The blog is 5 years and one day old.

I am sure I could search all the Decembers between today and then and find similarities to the upheaval that is now occurring.
I got new glasses day before yesterday, my eyes got better somehow. The optometrist found a dot in my right eye. It explains the shadow I see. She tried to blame it on the surgery I had a million years ago to correct my lazy eye. I know it’s from when I should have died in a car crash, but I didn’t. I worked for an iridologist for a minute. She mapped my painful moments by looking at my irises, she wasn’t wrong.

I also have a weird thing with buying new glasses and losing my job shortly thereafter.

Mark quit.

And with him not at Siren’s anymore, the final thread to that place was severed. I had mentioned to Wolf that I was worried about him. He reminded me I cannot save the world. I mean I can, I just decided not to. It’s our time now.

I found a beautiful rendition of The Time’s They are A’ Changing. This one is by Fort Nowhere. It’s pretty glorious.

The line it is drawn, the curse it is cast.

Winter Solstice was last night. Time to set intentions for the new cycle. So, I did.

Like I said, Airbnb got booked, found reasonable flights.

Stayed home last night due to crippling cramps and a rather vicious hangover. Plus, I just wanted to. It was a sacred night for my kind and I spent it in a cuddle puddle on the couch watching old Disney movies with one of my best girls.

I love me a good solstice. Summertime comes with sadness; the days start to get shorter after the apex.
I am a sunshine girl through and through.

Why did I move to St. John’s again? There isn’t even enough sunfall for house plants. Mine have probably passed away. I left my room cold, dark and locked down. I thought I would be back by now, but the universe is conspiring to keep me away. Thanks universe. Sorry plants.

I always held a fondness for December 21^st. Every day after gets better, brighter, longer.

After February 17^th 2020 at least one planet will always be in retrograde for the duration of the year. It’s okay. Its just a duck and cover year.

The battle outside raging, it will soon shake your windows and rattle your walls

Mercury begins the backwards parade of planets, remind me to book my next trip before then.
Nothing I didn’t already know.

My tarotscope today said “when two people in their hearts are one, they shatter the strength of stone”. His said “you are your own fate and you control your own destiny.”

Add that to the list of things we both needed to hear.

“Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight, gonna kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.”
Lovers in a Dangerous Time, Bruce Cockburn

I met him in a laundromat once, all my stripper clothes had just been stolen and I was having a meltdown of epic proportions, his dryer had just broken and he was doing his wife a favor and dealing with wet laundry.

I stopped stomping for a second, as I recognized him, and said “You’re Bruce Cockburn, aren’t you?” he said yes. I said, “great lyrics man.”  He thanked me and I continued my tantrum. Random memory.

I remember the me from back then. I was 24 and terrified of everything.

I never would have gotten on a plane and flown to a new city. I was scared to push on a pull door in front of strangers. There would have been too many variables, too many things that could have gone wrong, too many things I didn’t know how to do. Including how to live a life just for me.

6 years ago, was the insane ice storm in Ontario. I held the house together without power for days on end. Then went to Florida with kidlet for the first time. Came home and lost 260 pounds of dead-weight and by April I was on a flight to Phoenix to see my girl. Ended up on a side quest to L.A. and found so many parts of myself there. Been a lot of places since, all of them out of my comfort zone, but none as important as this next journey into the unknown.

One of my girls mentioned she was born in the city I am going to, I replied, I just might be born there too.

I will be.

Is today the day I am going to write porn?

It’s 8:43am.

Just had a short but intense conversation with Our Sara of Lords. Seraphim humming lullabies and preaching parables to make me feel better.

Had a wonderful dinner last night, with one glitch which I will get to.

I really want to be writing porn. I leave little snippets in his inbox. Lovely jumping off points. Tales and teasers of things to come.

But those are His.

I have been down this road before. Not really, kinda? Sorta? It wasn’t real.
I think I need to write fantasy instead of reality. That is just for us. Sacred.

And honestly? It’s REALLY hard to write about cosmic twin flame sex. It’s all sensations that don’t make sense on this plane, feeling colors and phenomenon, it’s honey flavored scotch that tastes like home warming you from the inside and radiating out. It’s ocean tides and earthquakes. If meeting him was the rumble that occurs from a rocket launch, fucking him is the jet fuel combusting in ecstatic motion.

See?

I can’t do it.

---

We have been waiting to go to this one particular restaurant with this particular couple.

They seemed nice enough. We had to wait through a Santa Claus parade which blocked all exits off the island. Ended up at a dive bar with a fire pit, a ping pong table and 5, count em FIVE Elvis impersonators with a toy megaphone singing bastardized Christmas carols off key through said megaphone.

Also, oddly and sadly… I had a guy offer to buy me a shot after being an obnoxious ass for 10 minutes interloping on my small group of friends.
I said “sure 40 Creek, neat”.
He comes back with this milky frothy thing and tries to get me to drink it.
Nope nuh uh.
Then tries to mansplain WHISKEY…

TO ME.

“I asked for what I wanted, I am not going to drink your interpretation of what I wanted.”

He then went on to explain that Jameson’s is indeed whiskey.

Very aware. I don’t like it. And I really don’t like you.

Not having it broseph.
Drink your froth and leave me be.

That was the aforementioned glitch.

I swear I died, and I am in hell.

Heaven is in Texas. I must get there.

I explained to the woman half of the couple that I am very introverted and I usually have an extrovert for shielding purposes but I was feeling kinda vulnerable. She grabbed my hand and walked me away from everyone down to the water. “Water always helps” she said. She was right. We smoked in silence while I recharged.

Lovely supper, outside. Great waiter, good food and good company. Lots of, “here try this, it’s delicious.” Blue cheese dressing so good we were scraping the container with cold fries after we were beyond full. Passing the ramekin like the grail.

They were presented to me as anarchist farmers. They did not disappoint. We had a long talk about integrating animals to the farm to cut the workload. “And if they aren’t working out, just eat them.”

My buddy Dave had met them on an ayahuasca retreat in Acapulco years ago. We talked about doing DMT. We both have Matrix tattoos.

The weird part occurred when the dude said, “Ya, I took my kids to meet John McCain when he was running against Obama. We used to go to church religiously and I was a staunch Republican.”

Wait. What?

I was suddenly a delightful combination of very proud and incredibly curious.

Likened him leaving that lifestyle to a chronic alcoholic getting clean.

He agreed.

“What happened? What was your jumping off point?” I asked

He said his daughter contracted Lyme’s disease and he started reading about medical marijuana and suddenly he was at an anarchist’s conference in Mexico doing psychedelics and really mad at God. He then backed up and said it wasn’t that easy. There was a lot of self doubt and isolation. Shunning from family and friends. Depression, loneliness and chaos. But it was worth it he said. He couldn’t go back.

Oh honey, I know.

I was raised in a democratic bubble and it was still constrictive.

Fucking parallels man, they’re everywhere.

He got up and went to smoke.

I asked the woman, so how long have you been together?

24 years.

Wait, what?

“So you went through all of this with him? How?”

Wait, what?

She said “it wasn’t easy. I just did.”

I said I understood. “He’s your person. You evolve with them or you leave.”

“Exactly”, she said, and smiled. “Leaving was never an option. I loved him then and I love him now.”

It was beautiful.

Michael Xavier once wrote about this.

How to stay together no matter what.

Stay together
No matter what.

Didn’t practice what he preached but hey.

Seeing it in real life was a sight to behold. I will carry that with me always.

I read another thing (as I often do) about a man who said his wife had been about 9 different versions of herself in the 70 years they were married. “I just learned how to love all of them.”

There are plentiful droves of humans running around on the planet, content with what they know and what they are and where they are. To the point that they will resist change. I have met them. Not my monkeys, not my circus. Once upon a time I tried to pry them loose. But they don’t want out. They like their reality. Redundancy is security.
To me that is atrophy. I won’t disturb them. But when one of them breaks out of the matrix like this man did and his woman chooses to go with him, no matter what. Oh my god that is beautiful to me.

The meaning of life (to me) is to learn, evolve, experience and grow.

Having someone you love beside you learning and growing too.

I think that is as close as we can get to heaven on earth.