June 2018

Yet another conversation with Less Drunk Josh.

Me: Was that your woman on stage last night?

LDJ: Pffft, no. I don’t want a girlfriend, its sun dress season.

Brilliant point LDJ.

We had a civilian on stage and she got pretty close to being naked, someone tried to blame Josh, probably because he wasn’t there. Lot of that going on lately.

It is sun dress season and Gemini season and there has been a steady stream of drunken birthday parties rolling through the club. Including my own. That was a good day. All my pretty boys popped in to say hello, hug me and buy me a whiskey. Extra Drunk Josh stayed up an extra day partying just to come see me which was both sweet and awful. I worry about that one.

Wait, back up, it is supposed to be sun dress season but summer has come very late to this little island in the middle of the ocean. It is cold, wet and rainy today, the rest of the week looks better but…I have seen clouds rolling down the hill and up the street, like literal fallen clouds, and snow one minute sunshine the next. Driven from one side of town to the other and experienced a 10 degree temperature difference. I told you this place is fucky.

It is not like home. I grew up on Lake Huron.

I could look at the lake, sunrises and sunsets, read the clouds and tell you what time it was and what the weather was going to be like for the next few days. I used to love sitting on the beach and watching the storms come in. I am one who dances in the summer rain.

I grew up in a cottage town and deliberately stayed single in the summer months. Semi single anyways. Some cute boy from away, no strings… just bonfires, ice cream, skinny dipping and a boat load of sex on the beach or wherever we ended up, sometimes on a boat.

2 years ago, on this very day of our lord June the nineteenth, I was single as fuck and I posted to Facebook
“I want a summer fling or 3.”
Because I did.
The next day Panda and I wandered down to Burlington for our very first beach day. The sun was blazing and the water frigid, but it was bliss. I swam anyways.
We were just getting ready to pack up and leave and 2 beautiful boys put down a blanket and cooler 10 feet away and started chatting us up.
They invited us over for a barbecue and the one I wanted, wanted me back.
Panda wasn’t so lucky, hers was a true blue fuckboi who acted like those of his tribe.
Mine turned out to be consistent, which I am realizing is so very rare.
And for the next 7 weeks I had lots of sex, dinners and late night swims with a beautiful huge tattooed British ginger Scorpio MMA fighter.
He disappeared when the Lion’s Gate opened. But Damn that was fun while it lasted.

Hey universe…
Again?
Also, can you please turn up the heat a bit, all I have here are dresses, dresses and more dresses and I REALLY want to wear them.

I tend to get restless in the summer months if I am locked into a relationship. Loyal yet twitchy. Last summer I was in a monogamous relationship and it was actually great, until it wasn’t. He didn’t make it past the Lion’s Gate either.

I saw this the other day upon the Facebook.

I giggled a bit.

Situationships. Yep. Exactly this, yes please.

No confusion here, for me anyways. Freedom, free will and comfort. These are my favorites, real feelings and no labels or drama. Just be with me and be happy. Have as much sex as possible, occasional adventures and no stress. Then when we’re done, we’re done. No hard feelings.

So what if I am regressing to high school summer days back home?

Those were the good days, and some seriously sex-filled amazing nights.

When you broke down I didn’t leave ya
I was by your side
So where are you now that I need you?

I have a soft spot for the Biebs. Takes me back to a few summers ago, driving with Ishtra, windows down and happy going nowhere, everywhere, just enjoying being together, this song on repeat.

I have spent the bulk of this morning working on work emails, making schedules, confirming dates and times. I have been given as much responsibility as any stripper ever has been. It’s weird and I kinda like it. 27/29 strippers are on board.

Things got fucky, what else is new?

I’m having anxiety about things falling back into old patterns while I am away. Leaving a mess for me to clean up when I return.

I have 7 weeks left here and nothing went as I had hoped and planned it would.

Things just kept getting weirder and weirder.

Soon it will be time to fly from yet another nest I have made for myself and I am not sure if I want to go.

I am needed here, useful, and as Keri puts it “you look after us girls, we are lucky to have you. And these boys here gravitate to you, they really love you, I have never seen anything like it.”

About 20 minutes after she said it, Very Drunk Josh came into the bar, after a 10 day absence. Didn’t say a word, just picked me up into one of those full body hugs that took my feet up off the floor, and he didn’t let go for a full minute.

We will never be more than friends, but it made me realize how badly I needed some good touch.

Lead us not into temptation. Drunk Josh is not tempting.

But there is temptation. That grass over there is pretty fucking green.

I also spent last night happy as fuck because, for once, things were going smoothly at work and I had something to do with it.

Well, smooth till they got bumpy.

Lil speed bump. No big thing.

My sweet Baboo (sorry Scottie, I can’t think of another nickname) came in, said hi and then told me he was here to see another girl.
Yay sweet Baboo, oh wait…her? Fuck, you best not be seen talking to me then.

She is one of the 2/27 who are not on board with me scheduling/existing in general.

I backed all the way off. Sent him a snap urging caution and distance, stayed away for the night, then I gathered my girls and went home.

We snapped until 4am, me trying to convince him it was okay, I understood, it was my choice to exit stage left and the last thing he said was it wasn’t worth having her if it meant losing me as a friend.

My heart melted a bit, not gonna lie.

I am usually his wingman and the only way I could’ve helped him was to stay away.

This has happened before.

My ability to see and act for the greater good is troublesome, but it’s in my marrow.

I gave you the key when the door wasn’t open
Just admit it

Someone very important to me, from my past, is recently single.

I think I might be the only one of his friends who knows this.

I am both honored and terrified.

I said to him today, “I never asked about what was going on with us because
a) I knew the answer
and
b) if you didn’t say it, I could pretend it wasn’t over.”

See yesterday’s post about Facebook memories and me having a history of being a silly lovesick girl.

My idea of romance and relationships hasn’t progressed past high school I suppose.

I kinda like it this way. Mind you, it is the only way I’ve ever known. Familiarity breeds comfort where there would otherwise be none. And I am not feeling overly comfortable just now.

I know the trauma that occurred way back when that continues to dictate my behavior. And I haven’t the slightest clue what to do about.

I loved someone who was incapable of loving me back. And when he did come to love me he never showed it, not till years later, from a galaxy far, far away. And I took this as love and romantic. It really wasn’t.

He who caused the trauma in high school is also recently single and everybody knows and he demanded that I come out and give it a shot.

It’s not that I can’t. I just won’t.

A few years ago I would have. But, we aren’t in the same place in our lives any more. I have raised my children. I want adventure time and copious amounts of sex and movies and snuggles and bonfires. I don’t even know how to be a girlfriend anymore, I can be faithful and cook for you but the title isn’t important like it used to be. I just want to be happy.

As for the other one. I once survived being his rebound and that is what terrifies me. I can’t live through that again.

I mean I can, but do I want to.

On a long enough timeline, they always come back.

Every

Single

One,

Without fail.

Which begs the question Justin Bieber asks “Where are you now that I need you?”

I can guarantee I was on my knees when nobody else was prayin’, oh lord.

I spend a lot of time on my knees.

Humbled.

Penitent.

Sacrifice.

Greater good.

I have friends here that don’t leave me even when they should.

I have purpose.

Geographically I am in the future, as far as time zones go. If I go west I will be traveling into the past both literally and emotionally.

The events of the last few days have made me feel like maybe I should stick around longer.

I guess it’s going to come down to who needs me the most.

(all italics from Where are You Now, Justin Bieber, Skrillex and Jack U)

The wind is howling and I think I saw snowflakes. I wish I could go back to sleep, but the siren song of coffee was too strong. Just like the wind. If I was a bad witch I would be scared right around now. But as it stands I am just awake and hoping that these are the winds of change a blowin”. Things aren’t bad, but they could be better.

I feel like something good is coming. Bring it.

Once up a time in the land of Facebook some idiot employee had the lovely idea to generate Facebook memories.

What a lovely way to start my day, scrolling through my own stupidity and seeing pictures of that cat that got eaten by an owl. I am so sorry Lila Moo Spagooter, but you loved being outside, I couldn’t bear keeping you in.

Lost 2 cats to that owl that year, then I moved.

Seeing how happy I was in Milton, old videos of me and Panda having belly laughs in the change room at work…those things I like.

I love watching myself evolve year after year especially after my emancipation from the idea that I could only find my identity through the reflection of whatever man I was with.

I see Nina Nine Times and other pets and people I have loved and still do.

Cute outfits that I regret donating when I had to downsize.

But there is an ugly side to that coin.

Hindsight is not only 20/20, it’s a fucking bitch.

I was always pretending I was so happy about the overwhelming amount of busy bullshit work I was constantly doing at the farm. I swear to see pictures of me from back then, I look ten years older than I do now. Tired from getting ground down and keeping up appearances. Living a lie.

Now, I am unapologetically me. Except when I fuck everything up, then I apologize and I mean it.

I am sorry things got so fucked up.

I wear my happiness like well applied make up, I swear.

The memories of summer months are a little easier to swallow I am a sunshine fueled water baby so my happiness is prevalent and it shows. But there are a few exceptions.

Twice in 2 years the Poet surfaced briefly, during Gemini season.

I am beyond disgusted with my fangirlyness. Just ew.

I truly feel like some days I am watching the story of a stranger who used my hands to type this drivel about the ultimate ghost.

Like a horror movie where the white girl does the dumbest shit, and probably dies at the end, badly, and the whole time you’re thinking “Nah, sis, just no. Do not go into that haunted fucking house.”

She did die. I let her.

Whatever version of me that was, nope nuh uh. I do not acknowledge her stupidity and blindness. Thankfully it was fleeting, but I got so caught up in his web of lies. Apex predator I suppose, with a devil’s grin and a poet’s mouth. Too bad they were just masking a master fuckboy in disguise.

I survived, and now i nothing him. No love, no hate, just nothing.

Which brings me to the present. What revelations am I going to have after this year has passed? What kind of memories am I leaving for myself on my pilgrimage to this island of misfit toys, fuck boys, epic liars and time wasters?

What truths are going to reveal themselves and cause me to chuckle at the girl who was once again a puddle on the floor a week ago? I would like to state for the record, as I slid down the locker and landed on my ass, unable to hold myself up or the tears in I was instantaneously surrounded by a bunch of sweet strippers trying to help, and lord bless ‘em, they helped.

I did pull myself together in record time.

Maybe that is the lesson, I will always be the girl who falls fast, but I am learning to bounce back faster.

I’m after being let down more than I am used to on this trip. And that was a fucking lot.

These boys with honey on their lips and sparks in their eyes coming at me like moths to a flame, just to wander off and never to be heard from again.

For the record if you don’t talk to me for a few days after being all I excited about the fact that I exist and am paying attention to you…I already know where this is going. Nowhere.

Your loss really, I give spectacular attention.

I’m starting to find it comical, after all I am the girl who introduced herself to the Nope’s friends as the flavour of the month, and I was not even close to being wrong. A lunar month to the day.

“We need some stability around here.” The Color Purple

Nah, I’m fine, fuckboy fuckery has turned into a hobby, like a bad reality tv show I watch from a distance. This trip has become a social experiment conducted from behind these really high walls I had to build to be here.

Wonder how long this one is gonna last?

I don’t actually give a fuck anymore, not that I ever did, that isn’t why I am here.

My last fuck has blown away with the wind.

You got to know when to hold em,
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away,
Know when to run.

Kenny Rodgers, The Gambler

I don’t know when to hold anything in. I am sorry. Sofa king sorry.

I have walk away. I know this. I should probably run. But I don’t know how.

Quote of the night last night

“Sarah, you might be the most honest person on this island.”

Yep, I might be. Pretty fucking sure I am. I cannot lie, even when I really should.

But I’m coming to see that that is not always a good thing.

Words are literal magic. I create what I speak, that is why they call it spelling.

I cast my future, my wishes and my wants with my words.

And I have not been using them wisely.

There is also a heavily quoted quote about
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”― Anne Lamott

That too.

Which is actually what triggered this thought, which is quickly turning itself into an wordy article.

I have successfully eliminated 2 vexing individuals from my life with things I wrote. This pleases me.

I have alienated others purely by speaking too much truth in the wrong places.

Back in the day, when I started this blog, I had a crush on a man and instead of telling him how I felt I wrote an article and somehow thought he would see it. He didn’t.

It didn’t work and the window closed.

Mind you, he had to leave, there was no choice to be made so I suppose, by letting the window close on its own, without interfering I did him a kindness.

I think I finally grew up when I realized that actual true love is wanting the other person to be happy, even if that means staying away from them. Active participation in someone else’s happiness even if it means a sacrifice on your part.

Sit down, shut up and stay out of the way.

There has to be a balance between words, wishes, wants and actually doing something about it.

Lesson learned.

Also, there are things that should never be spoken of.

Not because I don’t want to remember, but because they are sacred, or I really actually fucked up beyond all words and reasoning.
My blog, my rules. I can write to remember and not hit publish.

It’s not a diary darling.

Once upon a time I sat in the Monastery Spa and Suites (by myself) and had the most fucked up conversation.
I turned it over and over in my head, this was something that really should have been written about, it would have made an amazing post and it seemed too crazy to be real, but real it was. I tortured myself for day about how I could get this pearl out of the oyster without hurting anyone.

After a few days I realized it wasn’t possible and I let it go.

I have entered into a covenant with Cronos the God of time and Dionysus the god of debauchery about erasing a monumental fuck up. I know what happened, I have my own memories that will suffice, even with the blank spots. Yes I done did it, and no we don’t need to talk about it.

Some things need to stay in the vault.

I would like to believe that in every library and archive there is a secret compartment full of things that are absolute truth and yet completely unknown to anyone but the author.

Things that I loved, things that I lost, things I held sacred that I dropped. Audioslave, Doesn’t Remind Me

Convo of the day
Tina: uh oh, you’re smoking in your room. I’m gonna tell mom.
Me: (oh god) I am mom

What kind of fuckery is this?

WHO LET ME ADULT?

I don’t like smoking in my room, I think it is disgusting, however…we have two late sleeping, non-smokers on the 2^nd floor where the common area is and I don’t want to smoke them out or wake them up.

Greater good.

I’m also taking 2 days off this week even though I can’t really afford to because we had a massive number of girls working and due to the weather etc., not enough men to go around. So I’m after begging girls to take nights off and leading by example.

Greater good.

It’s shark week anyways and my body could use the break.

I was getting a little weepy last weekend and one of the 2^nd floor girls kept trying to cheer me up by fussing over my hair, petting me and pep-talking me. She said something really sweet. “I watch you, and I watch how these local boys are with you, they look at you with reverence and respect even though you are sitting in front of them in your underwear, it’s pretty amazing.”

The first night I met her I had to break up a fight between her and one of said local boys, and to be perfectly honest, I was really proud of how I handled it. He did listen to me, nothing got broke and by the next week they were chatting nicely at the bar.

She went on to also say that I have been handling the house and girl situation diplomatically.

I needed to hear that.

I didn’t ask for any of this, but shit needs doing and I know how to do it. 2 full days of 4 hours of work before work. Phone calls, schedules and putting out fires before they got extra bad.

I am mom.
I am the skeet whisperer.
And, I am the key master.

Stompy Magoo was back less than a week when Sean left and I got put in charge. She didn’t stay long. Her hatred is for me is real and that is okay. Can’t win them all. I was hella uncomfortable having the keys to her room anyways, see a month ago wherein she ripped her own bible and blamed me and we just about had the Salem witch trials in the changeroom. Except no one (but her) cared about me being a witch.

What’s not okay is the continuing absence of Sean. I didn’t realize how important he was until I had to be the one opening doors at 9am, changing lightbulbs, washing sheets, running the garbage out, cheering Mark up and keeping the peace. Plus he is my friend and I miss him. We all do.

I’m not getting anything for this but 2 drinks a night, going in late with no fees, woken up way too early, and a really big phone bill.

Greater good.

I was never on student council in high school, I’m painfully shy and conflict makes my stomach hurt. My way around that is to try and stop things before they escalate. So far only one fight and it wasn’t in the bar or house so…win? 22/24 girls are agreeing with me.

Also, the nights I’m at the bar organizing things till 11pm are the nights I haven’t been drinking as much.

And the greater good.

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save

The Stars, Your Ex-Lover is Dead

It’s on my preferred playlist right now and comes up often. There is a part where they repeat “live through this and you won’t look back” it hits me and haunts me. It’s exactly how I am feeling and I’ve quoted it before.

I wouldn’t wish death on anyone, but if you are gonna be a ghost, please disappear. This is just cruelty for the sake of cruelty.

Conversations with Less Drunk Josh

Me: I am unhappy in my current situation and the Nope keeps showing up

LDJ: What situation, the one where you’re beautiful and nice and everybody loves you?

Me: Awwww

LDJ: Well the Nope can fly to fuck

Me: The one where I’m lost and drunk

LDJ: If he’s bringing you down then he shouldn’t be a part of your life

Me: I told him last night. He can’t keep showing up. Dude I get trapped in that building. With all my mistakes. I hit the breaking point last night. I left early with zero dollars and I owe ______ 20 bucks

LDJ: No not your mistakes, it may be cliché but with all your lessons, you can’t leave your mistakes in a building and walk away from them, they follow you, you have to embrace them. How?? Did you drink all the money you made?

Me: No I didn’t do a single dance. No I mean literal walking mistakes named J___ and the Nope.
No, no I needed cab fare and I had a bar tab

LDJ: So look at them and remind yourself you can do better

That’s astute Less Drunk Josh. I can do way better.

At one point the Nope gave really good attention, then he took it away. No reason, no warning. Just poof.

It would have been a kindness if he actually ghosted, but his boat is docked for 3 more weeks 3 minutes away from my tiny little bar and every fucking night he shows up in a cloud of fruity vape smoke and bullshit.

I tried for the longest time to walk the high road, be polite-ish, and pretend it wasn’t bothering me.

Narrator: It was actually reaaaaallllly bothering her

Especially when he plunked himself down in between me and Tina last week and prefaced a story with, “You know I’m a manwhore right?”

Narrator: oh she knew

He had just finished telling me he was sorry but he just really needed to bang new girls all the time, and then launched into a tale about last weekend and “do you remember that girl I told you about from last year?”

Pick a storyline and stick to it. Please. Or better yet just stop talking to me or near me.

Sometimes it takes public humiliation for me to understand what is happening.

I had a moment of clarity where I saw what he was doing through other girl’s eyes, and Bob, Bob was there too (bought me a whiskey out of charity, thanks Bob) and I realized how cruel he is actually being. And I also realized I don’t have to take the high road, I don’t have to do anything at all really.

The Nope was like riding a Reaaaaaaally good rollercoaster and then not being allowed to ride it anymore for no reason.
Not like when the Hulk broke down…Hulk broke.
Also I have to be at the park every day and watch other people ride it. Or hear about them riding it, also there are a lot of carnies running around.

I have had less nightmarish nightmares. Like literally stuck in a building with people I don’t want to be with, and the catch is I have to be naked on command.

I don’t have a choice but to be there just now. But I don’t have to entertain broken boys either.

This is my circus and these are my monkeys. And I am trapped in that building.

I sat at the bar doing schedules and paperwork until 11pm last night. We have an overflow of girls just now and it’s akin to sitting on a powder keg stomping out sparks.

Also it snowed this morning. I might be in Narnia and I am pretty sure Aslan is dead.

I don’t have time to be emotionally drained, and at this point it’s like drawing blood from a stone.

Once upon a time I wrote “I am not a snack for your starving ego, I am soul food for someone who actually has a soul.” Can’t remember who I wrote it about, ex hubby or the Poet most likely, but if the old quote fits…yep.

I was good food for his ego once, he showed me off, jumped on posts about himself and made himself known, showed me off to the boat boys and friends. Then nothing. And I think I know why. Deep down he thinks he’s a piece of shit, so instead of letting anyone draw their own conclusions, he proves it. Safer that way. He gets to write his own story.

I think it’s time to delete him out of mine.

If I can (and have) deleted posts out of respect for someone I love and want to protect, I should do the exact same thing with this parasite, out of love and respect for myself.

No more nope.