111 (and a lot of self doubt)

Mondays are the hardest.

Sundays aren’t so shit hot either.

Sundays I change the sheets that he never slept on and a bed he hasn’t laid down on yet.
In this room I made for the both of us.

I metamorphosized again. March into April was goo phase galore.
Wings are still wet and fragile.
Any fucking time now.
Surviving not thriving.

But my cocoon is splendid.

I realized the gypsy tea room was a regression to how I wanted to be in high school and shortly thereafter, but I never had the means, and shortly thereafter I became a mom, so what I wanted got put on the back burner until…right before I came here really.

Here.

Whoa oh oh oh oh

Here.

I ask myself what am I doing here.

Alessia Cara

I say Mondays are hard, but it’s the shortest night of the week at work, Tina 2 Chains is here and we are getting wings before work. And historically speaking, he calls more often on Tuesdays. I wrote it all down.

I am grateful for this room considering the events of the last few weeks. The universe timed this (and everything ever) perfectly. I needed a sanctuary and I have it.

Fight flight or freeze.

I am frozen.

We all are.

Meat popsicles.

Stripper burritos.

Metaphorically and in reality. The weather here sucks so bad.

I said if this doesn’t work out, I am packing up and leaving.

This was met with a rousing chorus of “no”.

Again, frozen girls don’t move. Just breathing and waiting.

This is the longest I have gone without hearing from Him.

I actually sat down and went through my call logs and texts. Looking for numbers and gaps. He was around more often than I thought. Not now, but then. He warned me about this last stretch and I will abide the warning.

Kinda proud of myself. I stayed brave. Wavering now. Crying a bit more than I was before. But it’s me, I cry, that is an integral part of who I am. And god knows it’s been a rough 111 days. Weeks went by in chaotic splendor and I have no idea how I kept breathing, much less moving forward.

Everything got fucked up and just kept changing and rearranging in ways that could not possibly have been predicted. Except I fucking told you so.

I would really like to be able to say those words again, about this.

Someone called me enduring once. She meant it condescendingly, but I am.

Even when I feel like I can’t keep going, I do.

It helps that I get little pushes from the universe. And I do trust the universe. Timing is always perfect even if it doesn’t suit my ego.

Friends of mine have their anniversary today, and one of the posts said something about ‘the best decision we ever made.’ I said those words. And the tarot cards say it’s not so bad*

Actually, the tarot cards said it was going to be glorious. Kings and Queens of Promise.**

Past me keeps leaving present me, presents. Words of encouragement, reminders I have been through worse. And the knowledge that I can get myself out of anything I get myself into. I don’t want out just yet. I’ll just persevere and see what happens. I made it this far.

Self-doubt is a motherfucker.

I found myself ready to let go, making ready with the funeral arrangements and a drunk girl at work swooped in and reminded me how beautiful and amazing I am. That he really does want to change and that, in her opinion, knowing both of us incredibly well, this is a really good idea.

Hard to argue with drunky voodoo mamabear stripper. She is Haitian hoodoo to my white girl witch and I love her. Out of the mouths of beautiful babes. She played with my hair and kissed my forehead.

Part of the doubt was… do I even remember how to do this?

I ended up answering my own question

Me: I don’t even know if I know how to girlfriend anymore anyways.

All I know is how to stay loyal, cook and fuck a lot.

Her: ….

Me: that’s a good girlfriend isn’t it?

Her: that’s wifey

Ok, so maybe I know exactly what I am doing. And maybe everything I ever learned makes sense now.

I’m an optimist.
If this isn’t meant to be then it will catapult me closer to wherever that is.
And I will always know I truly tried.

I want it to be this.

The best decision I ever made.

*The Wombats
**30 Seconds to Mars